A Wilderness Wasted

Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the heart.
-Proverbs 21:2-
Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand.
-Proverbs 19:21-

Could it be? Could this thing that looked so good, so right so perfect… not come to fruition? It just seems so wasteful in my human eyes. I have been alone in the wilderness, walking toward a sparkling city, and suddenly it dissipates like a mirage. Was it something I did? Something I said? Why?!

The easy question is “why.” If I had an answer to that, I’d be able to sink my talons into it and “fix it,” make it work. Knowing why would further blind me, ultimately.

So if “why” is the easy question, what is the right question? Maybe it’s not a question or an answer thing, which is uncomfortably lax for my conservative standards. I always had a problem with the phrase, “The destination is not as important as the journey.” That can be a load of bologna spread, which I don’t care for. I like results, I like accomplishments, I like… getting what I want, apparently.

All of this is revealing of Christ to me, revealing of God’s very nature, and the glimpses are beautiful, unlike anything we know or see on this earth. It does, however, leave me still in the wilderness, unsure of which direction to go or even whether to move at all. The only difference now is… I’m not alone. And my Partner has a map on His heart.

'Til Death do us Part

I realize that many of the people that skim by this blog & more importantly, actually read this post, are probably single. Me too. I don't want you to stop reading this WHATSOEVER. Instead of reading it as being married to a man or woman, think about what/who you are married & committed to deep in your heart. Is it a relationship? Is it prestige? Is it a cause? Is it Christ?

Whatever it is, know that it affects the community around you. I'm not talking neccessarily about the grocery store clerk you see once every 2 weeks, but those closest to you are perceptive enough to see your passion and commitment to someone or something.

Okay, NOW- check out this link:
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001296.cfm

I found it an interesting article, full of big words. Hopefully full of big ideas, too. It's interesting, all of the "new ideas" and revelations we have in Christ are usually the most ancient of ideas, concepts, and truth. It's always humbling to know we've had a blueprint in His Word all along, but have somewhere along the way developed our own standards to live by.

He is so grace-FULL

Down on my knees down on my face
You just say it's ok
So many days I've thrown away
You just say it's ok

I don't think I could ever repay
Your perfect grace, but it's ok
It's ok, It's ok
It's ok, It's ok

You've become my embrace
Just tell me it's ok
Your precious words intoxicate
A heart that aches; it's ok
You don't recall my past mistakes
You just say it's ok
The human mind can't calculate
Your perfect grace, but it's ok

Even though You've seen a thousand times
I've let you down
You're always there if I should call Your name
You're unashamed, unashamed

Song: OK
Artist: Mutemath

How can He have so much love that His grace is sufficient for me, the worst of all sinners? How can He have more left over for every other fallen person? How can He love so deeply & abundantly that it spills over in my soul, and there is always more?
Surely this is an awesome God! Thank you, Father, for being so intimate with us, despite Your vast power.

choosing a Psalm

The Psalms can read like a rather emotional blog, and I can thus easily relate... but I do think they are more. I find myself reading them to alter or enhance my mood, like some kind of hallucinatory drug. Well maybe not that strong.

Anyway, recently a trusted friend - who has been praying fervently for me - told me that the LORD laid upon his heart Psalm 34:4 while he was praying for me. He said he thought that's what He was doing for me. As soon as I could find a Bible, I tore into it to find the verse:
"I sought the LORD, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears."

That's it?! I thought. That's the profound thing that Almighty God is doing for me, amid all my situations, circumstances, & crises?

That's when it hit me, just how big He is. I remembered all of the times my eyes had read something to the tune of "I called upon the Lord," or "I waited upon the Lord," and the Psalmist (or prophet, or other men & women in the Scriptures) always records that God comes to our aid. As soon as He arrives, hearts change. His presence has the power of love & holiness to break loose the chains that keep us stuck... stuck in our fears, where we were never meant to stay. Our fears were only presented to us as an option, as a temporal affliction that graciously presents us the opportunity to cry out to Him, to petition to the one true God, and to let Jesus Christ change our hearts - ETERNALLY.

From this deep place, roots are removed and a seed can be planted in faith. From this deep place, a loving God can nurture a free-willed, fallen man or woman who responds to His call. From this deep place, Jesus smiles as He is given the opportunity to glorify our Father in ways we never expected or could imagine.

He surrendered Himself to death

My other website (http://www.emilymanning.com) seems to have gotten lost somewhere in cyber-space, so here I am, with a third (and likely futile) attempt at blogging more regularly and with a better focus: to Seek first the Kingdom of God & His righteousness...
I'm finding that seeking His kingdom is less about DOING and more about BEING than I had previously thought. (WARNING: Probably a lot more posts on this subject will follow.)
It's scary, what I might find when I actually do it - when I actually let Christ IN, into the deepest part of my soul. It's where He longs to be, and where we can be in relationship, but it's so frightening. What depth of depravity will He find there? Which parts of me will He command out in His righteousness? What death will take place, and what will be brought to life? Surely I stand to lose something, or lots of things, or... everything.
But then,where did my "everything" come from? And do I have ANYTHING outside of Him?
I hate that I am using U2 lyrics next to the teaching of Jesus, but I hear His words answered and truly emoted in the band's older music...

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground & dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me. Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour, Father, glorify Your name!
-John 13:24-28-

Bad, by U2
If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would
Let it go...

This desperation
Dislocation
Separation
Condemnation
Revelation
In temptation
Isolation
Desolation

Let it go, And so fade away
To let it go, And so fade away
To let it go, And so to fade away